Hello Again

I stopped writing because I became paranoid. It's stupid you put something on the Internet where anyone can read it you should be able to deal with that fact. So why did I become so scared that people were reading and laughing at it? Perhaps it was living in a small town and knowing that there was a person already living before I moved there who was reading and judging. Maybe it was because I only write when I'm sad and I didn't want people to see me like that anymore. (if anyone even reads this). Anyway it's been a little over two years since I've started this blog. I thought writing would help me figure out something about myself or help me find a direction for it to go in. Someone once told me that instead of following my brain I follow my heart. Looking at my life I would agree. There is a battle going on with in me right now. My brain is telling me that I shouldn't run off and that I should give myself a year where I am to really give it a try. Nothing is easy these days and moving doesn't mean I'll be any happier. My heart is disagreeing and it wants action. I feel very similar as to when I started this blog. I guess that's also why I feel a need to return to it.

Highway 90

Ignore the sound unless you want to hear about Cisco on NPR. This video was taken on my drive back from El Paso a few weeks ago on highway 90. I think I'm somewhere between Valentine and Marfa. I'll be headed back out to El Paso again this week. It's crazy that El Paso has become the big city. I noticed on a map the other night of an aerial of New York City that my home town was on it. This experience has brought me completely out of my element.

There is No Place Like Here - Marfa

I'm trying to upload this video with out much luck. It's a short video created for Etsy about the creative people in Marfa working in different mediums. It features a crafts night I've been going to on and off. Although I'm not in the video I will by the time I leave here have a scarf. Another exciting person it features is the creator of museum of electronic wonders and grilled cheese parlor (as well as the face of foodshark).

This is where I've been for the last two months and where I'll be for a few more. It really is so different than where I've lived before.

Cat Love

Muzy Did Not Prepare Me

When I think about traveling alone outside of the US I picture having communication break down due to the fact that I don't know any other languages. How can one ask for no meat or directions when they can't find the words to say so? This fear doesn't keep me from traveling, but it's something that I think about every once in a while. I came face to face with this in El Paso.

The other day I drove a fellow intern to the airport. After dropping her off the artist in residence and I ran some errands and got lunch before heading back to Marfa. It was lunch where the incident occurred. I had suggested we go to downtown El Paso because I remembered there being some interesting buildings. We parked the car and walked around before picking a place to eat. I had written down the Tap because it was suggest by the list of placed to go in El Paso that gets passed around. We walked in. The place smelled like bar. It was a smell that Marfa bars lack. The dark bar smell with a mix of beer on tap. The smell trigger a memory that I still can't fully place. Anyway we decided the food would probably be better at the Mexican restaurant down the street, so we left and went there. The menus were in Spanish with English. Based on this I knew finding some veggie friendly was going to be a bit tricky. The waitress came to take our order and began to speak in Spanish. Unable to explain what I wanted in Spanish I answered in English. I didn't get very far with this tactic as she just spoke in Spanish again. I felt so dumb and embarrassed for not being able to communicate with her. The artist saw me struggling and started to speak to her in Spanish and placed our order. We got our food (which ended up not being very good). The best part of the meal was the flavor water I ordered because some how I figured out mica was hibiscus.

I'm not sure what I would have done had I been alone. Originally I was supposed to drop off the other intern alone, but the artist decided to come with in order to check out some art stores. I always felt that if I moved somewhere I would want to learn the language because it would be rude not to. I never expect to have that feeling trying to order food in the US. It really reminds me how much I wish I paid attention in both French and Spanish class. I'm frustrated by my lack of knowledge of other languages. I think it's makes me very ignorant. I guess it's never to late to attempt to learn, as least learn enough to have a small conversation. How do I expect to travel alone with only knowing English? Will I really be able to get by?

Wild Fires

West Texas was burning and I was babysitting multiple people's children. The children didn't seem to notice the winds nor the fire. West Texas was burning and I took my babysitting money and went to the bar. The first person I saw was my friend's ex bf serving drinks behind the bar. People were on their laptops concerned and drunk. Slowly more and more people I knew showed up. It was like Cheers where everyone knows your name except the bartender who keeps calling me Alyssa or Alicia. Cowboys mixed with arty types, spurs and Toms. It was a shit show, a night someone today told me they would have paid to be at. Men in woman's tank tops and knocking out of teeth all while Fort Davis burned. Had the winds been going another direction it would have been Marfa. West Texas was still burning the next day. 0% was contained and cows were dying in the fields. While it burned I spent the day working on my film. It's strange how one can detach even when danger is so close. That evening we, the people I work with, went to a carnival in the next town over. I rode the spider ride with a friend. The ride spun in circles to the song that states "I'm proud to be an American...." How strange it seems to be in Texas and hear that awful song while riding on a carnival ride while viewing the smoke from the fire only 20 miles or so away. There is a strange sense of guilt when you're enjoying life while homes are being destroyed so close. On the ride home we noticed the fires were moving back towards town.

West Texas is burning and the water is running out. Reports from days prior stated that when the fireman ran out of water they used dirt. Now the fires are contained and the winds have died down. We breath a sigh of relief that we didn't have to evacuate. What would we have done with all the cats? It seems we're ok for now until the next fire happens. We could really use some rain.

Voice Piece for Soprano

I have no idea why I have not written about Voice Piece for Soprano earlier. It's a Yoko Ono piece created in 1961. As I've been working on a application to a new program this piece has come back to mind. I stumbled upon this piece at MoMA in the fall. There in the open space on the second floor was a microphone and on the wall the following:

VOICE PIECE FOR SOPRANO

Scream.
1. against the wind
2. against the wall
3. against the sky

1961 autumn

No one was participating. In fact a few people stood around by the walls leaving a huge empty space by the microphone. I decided that I should do it. I walked up to the microphone and stood in front of it. I looked out across to the bookstore and took a deep breath. I wasn't sure when I opened my mouth if any sound would come out. As much as I talk I fear people hearing me. I think that's why I mumble and talk fast. I opening my mouth and screamed. My voice filled the space. It was a sound I have never heard come out of me before. I just let go and when the sound ended I quickly walked away in order not to face anyone. My body started to shake. I couldn't believe I just did that. That I could let out such a personal noise in such a public space, let alone a museum. Often times I've fantasied about just going somewhere where I could scream at the top of my lungs and release all that is bothering me. This piece seemed to have that affect except with this added layer of an audience.

Even though I write this blog and people think I'm an open person I feel there is much I keep private. Over the years I've hidden much of myself in order to survive in society. I think part of my hiding has taken away my ability to create and believe in what I'm making I love having my own space where I can breath easy and not fear being judged.. When I'm alone I feel so much more comfortable. Today I'm getting a new roommate after having the last week with the apartment and cat alone. I know it's going to be an adjustment. There is part of me that wishes my program moved me out to have the single apartment and not my former roommate. She is much more friendly than I and more connected to the other interns. It is what it is and at some point today the dynamic of the place will change and I'll have to adapt.